Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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