No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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