i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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