tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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