It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
