Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
