I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
