Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
