No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
