I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
