I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
