I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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