my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
