I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
