Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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