She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
