I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
