he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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