I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
