Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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