I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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