i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
