i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
