I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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