She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
