Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
