people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
