8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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