guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
