JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
