They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
