I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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