No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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