Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
