He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
