take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
