u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
