i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
