Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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