i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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