saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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