You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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