the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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