i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
