You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
