Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My ass is underappreciated
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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