Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
