My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
