If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
