I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
